Are You Still Eating Slave Food? You Better Wake Your A$$ Up!

There are a shitload of things that black people do in spite of themselves. We supoort Jay-Z. We refuse to firebomb Viacom headquaters. We smoke menthol cigarettes and insist on frying and/or putting salt on damn near everything. We allow European standards of beauty to be crammed down the throats of our women. But perhaps no self-spiteful practice among black people is more bewildering than the fact that we cling desperately to Slave Food.

Figure 1: “Chittlins? Fuck. Nah, I don’t want no more.”

We all know what slave food is – it’s food made from that parts of the animal that make even native Chinese people say “dude, that’s fucking sick”.* It’s the shit our slave ancestors were forced to eat because all they’d be given after their ‘masters’ got done raping, eating, kissing on the mouth, and doing whatever else it is to animals that white people just love to do.

I can’t believe that today, despite all the social, cultural, and economic strides black people have made over the years, so many of us still insist on eating that grimey shit. I’m pretty sure that 50% of the reason MLK ever marched anywhere is so his children wouldn’t have to eat pig intestines ever again. Anyone caught eating this crap is willfully desecrating the memory of the following:

Martin Luther King and Malcolm X
Nat Turner
Each and every Union casualty from the Civil War
Sugar Ray Robinson
Your mother
Let’s take a moment to examine some of the more common types of slave food, shall we?

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Whoopi Goldberg: “This is why Black People don’t want to talk to White People”

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